There was a period during my teenage years when I believed that I didn’t need anyone else. I think it was a natural yearning and motivation to be free of my parents and their rules and ways. I suffered along, being dependent on them, until I finally got a college diploma, a full time job, and enough money to rent a room in someone’s basement. I later realized that I had just moved into the same type of arrangement, albeit without my parent’s watchful eyes on me — of living in someone else’s house, under their rules, eating their food (it was room and board), and regularly interacting with their ‘different’ family ways and lifestyle. I lived this way for several years after returning to school, then going back home to my parent’s house for holidays and summers. But going back into my parents house was different. It was more comfortable and less constraining to me. Even though I was living back under their rules and ways and eyes, a shift had occurred that provided a distinct separation between their lives and mine. There was more of a sense of independence, although I was surely not independent of them, especially during my university years.
I thought that full independence was something that I achieved after all strings between me and my parents were cut. I’m now convinced that those strings were never fully cut and that the knowledge of having my parent’s support available to me if something went wrong was a real and uncut-able string that provided a safety net of sorts. I didn’t feel mostly independent from my parents until they were no longer paying for or supplying the necessities of my life and until I could make my decisions without consultation. Becoming totally responsible for myself in all respects was somewhat of a scary prospect. As a teenager, I naively thought I knew it all. I quickly learned that independence also exposed me to the myriad unknowns about the world, society, and things, generally.
I question whether our society and its systems and institutions prepare children very well for the transition from dependence to independence. Parents probably take the most significant role in this. Some parents are not good at letting-go and at letting their children experiment and make their own choices and the occasional mistakes to help them learn to be careful, cautious, and more discerning. I think that most parents learn to be parents from their own parents who also may not have been good at it. It’s a handed-down knowledge. I like to think that we also consider the not-so-great ways our parents handled some things and we go out of our way to ensure we improve over our parents. Also, although I learned some aspects of independence from my parents, I think I learned far more about living and independence from my peers and ‘mentors’ who provided role models that helped me make my own transition.
We recently visited my sister’s farm, a fairly recent acquisition and change in lifestyle for her. She is growing a large vegetable garden and grapes and pears and some other fruit trees. I don’t think that she’s there yet, but there is potential for becoming food and financially independent from what she grows on the land, whether she uses the food for herself or converts it into cash. To me, this ‘living off the land’ approach represents a form of independence, although still dependent on an able body and interest in doing the myriad chores necessary to be successful. In my own situation, I have achieved financial ‘independence’ by way of a having a stable income to meet all of my needs. And I’m not convinced that financial independence is, necessarily, the most important form of independence.
I am not independent from the society in which I live. There are aspects of my life – my thoughts, interests, pursuits, beliefs, and so forth that collectively constitute my own identity and which seem separate and independent from society. I think, however, that it is virtually impossible to separate myself from the societal boundaries in which I live; the laws, the norms, the expectations, the routines. Society constrains me, not necessarily all in a bad way. Some of us push against these constraints and sometimes the boundaries get adjusted over time, but I am certain that it is not possible for me to live fully independently from society. For example, I can’t provide everything I need to live. I can buy things, like food, fuel, and other materials, but I depend on other people in society to produce and sell these things to me, and usually on their terms. Even if on your own farm you are self-sufficient, it is very likely that some crops need to be sold to others in our society for cash that can be used to purchase other necessities or invested in other institutions available in our society. I think this dependence (and interdependence) applies to everyone, in different ways. The concept of being fully independent is a myth.
The concept of society, and the work of sociology, make it clear that our lives are intertwined with each other to greater or lesser degrees. I know very little about others in this society other than the little snippets I’ve observed or heard about from time-to-time. I can say that the people across the street have nothing to do with my life, but I don’t believe that to be true. For example, a stable, long-term, neighbour across the street provides me with a sense of security in knowing that their behaviour will be stable, fairly ‘normal’, and likely not disruptive or harmful to my life. This predictability helps me feel more secure, comfortable, and at ease.
In our neighbourhood, many houses are rented to university students. Every year, a new batch of students shows up and they are unpredictable, often wild in their first experience of not living under their parent’s supervision, and bring a certain instability and potential disruption to others living in the neighbourhood. Long -term neighbours, although we may never or rarely speak with them or see them, are better neighbours, and better for us, typically, than are students. My point is that even the most brief or subtle interactions with society – like our neighbours with whom we may rarely or even never interact – have an impact on our lives and, in this way, there is an interdependence between all members of society that cuts into our concept of being truly independent.
I am also dependent on the stability our society provides. I am more dependent than independent in regard to the rules and norms that constrain the way we drive our cars, act as pedestrians, how we dispose of garbage and separate recyclables, how we receive and send mail, how we work, how we maintain our properties, how we shop for groceries and other necessities, how we pay our property and income taxes, how we use vacations and statutory holidays, how we celebrate things, how we dress, how we speak to each other, and so on.
As I said, I am dependent on society. This, even though independence seems to be a virtue in the same society. The best I can do, independence-wise, is to minimize my burden on the rest of society. I can do this, currently as an able-bodied and successful adult. I had no ability to minimize my burden and dependence on others as an infant or young child and it won’t surprise me that I’ll become more of a burden and dependent on others in my old age when I start falling apart. Others, because of circumstances will need help more than others throughout their lives. Full independence for many, and for all of us during times of our lives, isn’t possible. We are all socially interdependent to some degree. It makes sense to me that recognition of, and preparation for, dependence and interdependence needs to be built into our societal systems through government and other institutions.
One of the goals we had as parents was to raise our kid to be independent. We wanted her to learn to make her own decisions, with some guidance now and then. To do what she thought was right, in situations and in her life generally. To be able to do things like make her own meals, paint her own house, drive her own car, choose her own career, fix things herself, manage things herself, organize things herself, count things herself. She can do all these things and I think we can take some credit for her becoming fairly independent. One part we didn’t understand, at first, was that she almost always preferred doing everything with others. It took a while, but in time we realized she had strong extrovert tendencies and high social needs. We tend towards being introverts, so this was foreign to us. I don’t think that her extroversion and high social need is a dependency, but rather a need to be part of something bigger than herself. So I’m still taking some credit.
I think that the high value some people place on independence is unhealthy. Boastful independence seems to be a badge of honour and esteem, a notion that I don’t need anyone else because I can do everything for myself and by myself. I’m not convinced this is a healthy attitude neither at the personal level nor for society, generally. There is no doubt there are times in our lives when we are absolutely dependent on other people – birth, accidents, sickness, old age. This fact of life leads to recognition that not everyone will have available to them the people who can or will assist them during times of need. In order to ensure quality of life to all people (something worth aspiring to, and the sole purpose of government), we need systems in place in our society to ensure that they receive the assistance they need. Recognition that we all need help at times is a far more realistic approach than is striving for absolute independence, and could lead to a much more caring and compassionate society.
Thanks, Jim.